I'm having a hard time staying motivated at work. I think my attitude has gone sour and I don't think I like my job very much at all, and am therefore loathe to do it at all. As much as I hate to admit this, I hate sitting down at the table and making drug tests. It's boring as all hell, and it's tedious, mind numbing, and repetitive. Even the though of how much I'd be/am making an hour isn't enough motivation to do it, and so I'm not accomplishing as much as I could be (or should be). But the plain and simple fact is this: it's not simple laziness - the most necessary part of my work is pure torture for me. It always has been. Sitting alone and doing the same menial task several thousand times a day ranks up there with....
...I got nothin' man. It's worse than watching paint dry, day after day after day, and it doesn't help that sometimes you have to do this shit for 70-80 hours a week. At least at the bar - even if I get beaten up (which has happened) - I get the excitement of actually getting to do something challenging and exciting, and I get to talk to people. I need that interaction, guys. It's worth the being punched, kicked, & stomped and getting the bumps, bruises, scrapes, cuts, mild fractures and smashed glasses to get a few hours with people.
It may be burnout.
It may be that I haven't had a vacation in over six years.
It may be frustration that it's not making ends meet very well, if at all.
And it's been this way for nearly seven years, man.
Business has not exactly flourished, guys. Let's face it - I've lost my house, racked up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, had my car repo'd and had to deal with the stresses of the all of this. I've had two really big orders, and I've enjoyed working those immensely. That part was exciting, challenging and very rewarding. But collectively, I've had maybe 60 days - in seven years -where I've enjoyed my job.
Is that just the way it's supposed to be? Is this just how life/work is supposed to be and I just need to suck it up and deal with it? Is this part of God's curse upon a fallen world where we're compelled to work at a job that seems to suck the life out of you every day until we die? That just seems kind of crappy, man.
Is this the result of me not living out God's vision for my life, even though I'm not sure what it is?
And I know that right now, the economy sucks and I know I'm lucky to have a job at all, even though right now I really hate it, and I know it's a terrible, terrible time to try to find a new one. And I appreciate beyond words the gift that I got when I was put in charge of this company, too. I considered it an honor and a privilege, and I still do. To me it's a source of pride to carry on the family business, and that hurts too. Shouldn't I like what I'm doing?
And I'm sure that part of this stems from not being able to get on as a cop anywhere - that was my dream job and I couldn't hang on to it, and it still hurts a little every day that I can't do it. I'd be lying if I said otherwise.
And I don't have much in the way of prospects of doing much else, either. I have no degree. If I could write for a living I'd do it in heartbeat, but I have no idea how you get into that field in any way. I also think that when it comes to applying for jobs, being self-employed is right up there with being unemployed (or in prison) on your application, and if you're self-employed and looking for something else, don't people immediately assume that you suck at it? Otherwise, you'd be running a booming and successful business and wouldn't have to be applying to do anything else - am I right? Does American corporate culture not function like this?
And as much as I'd like to make a career out of being a bouncer, the pay is just this side of dirt, there's no future in it, and I can't see myself doing it forever, man. I mean, I'm bound to get to old to fight eventually, though my Dad is still a certified ass kicker at nearly 73.
Anyway, that's Monday's "bonus" blog. I'm going to bed, though I'm almost dreading getting up tomorrow, because all I can see in front of me is more work at a job that tonight I hate.
Any thoughts as to how I can snap myself out of this?
(still 344 because I haven't gone to bed yet)
1 comment:
Find another job. I mean one instead of ScottCo, not in addition to. It may take you a long time to find one, but it will take longer if you don't look. Like, a lot longer.
As far as what specific thing God wants you to do with your life, let Him worry about that. God isn't going to be hovering over your shoulder as you look for a job saying, "warmer, colder," while smirking behind His hands. Very probably what you are going through right now is what God wants for you, assuming that it is causing you to trust Him more and grow closer to Him. Try to find something that you would enjoy doing, and if God does have a specific task He wants you to do, then He is perfectly capable of steering you towards it. Have you thought about something in construction? Also, talk to Mike Messerli. He tends to know about jobs, used cars, and second hand couches.
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