Several weeks ago, I was going through pictures with my Mom for our wedding slideshow, and I found one that was taken at the rehearsal dinner from my first wedding. That in and of itself didn't bother me at all - it feels like another life, or more accurately, another lifetime ago, and I've worked through all of the crap left over from my first divorce, though the financial ramifications still linger. Ugh - I'm getting off track already.

Anyway, I found this picture, and what struck me was how young (and carefree) I looked. I was 25 or 26 at the time.

And, of course, how much different I look now. My first thought was this: I've aged badly.

Now, my lovely wife will beg to differ. To my way of thinking, she sees me every day, so she would know, so I'm going to trust her input. The ones closest to the situation can generally make the most accurate and best-thought-out assessments, so I'll defer to her wisdom on that.

Truth be told, it's not about the vanity aspect of it. I think what got to me was seeing actual, physical evidence of the stress that my life has left on me. To my way of thinking, I look, you can practically see what I've managed to survive on my face when you hold the pictures side by side. I think life etches stuff on you - I guess I wasn't prepared to see it etched on my face, too. It was a bit sobering to see myself then and see myself now and think - wow....you have been through a lot in the past ten years or so.

Divorce.
Excruciating breakup(s).
Addiction.
Recovery.
Terrible financial woes.

It adds up, man. You can see it in the wrinkles, eyes & gray hairs.

Anyway, it was kind of sobering, like looking at the path of destruction that a tornado has wreaked, of the aftermath of a bomb site. It's a dose of reality that says "Hey - you really have had kind of a rough time of it now and then." I guess at the time (and ever since) it kind of bothered me, and I wasn't prepared to see it. I guess in a way it reminds me of my own mortality, which is always sobering.

(Although I'm becoming more and more convinced that the world is going to end in 2012 thereabouts. I saw it on TV, and the Christmas Star guy said the stars will line back up properly, and the Mayan calender only goes to 2012, so there.)

You know what's sort of funny, though? I know I forget how rough those times were, in spite of my constant bitching here. This is sort of my "whine-de-jour" blog, I know, but at the end I know I've come through all of it better, stronger, tougher, more spiritually grounded and closer to God. And if you asked me how I was doing, I'd probably tell you I'm doing pretty well, 'cause at the end of the day, I really am.

Today, I have a place to stay.
Today, I have food to eat.
Today, I am safe.
Today, I have a job.
Today, I have a wife that loves me.
Today, I have a daughter that loves me.

Anyway, I guess no matter how badly I age I'll be OK. God loves me and He takes care of me in His way, even though I have zero clue about what He's doing most of the time. I don't have to.

My mom drew a parallel between me & Bunnycat & God and us - it was pretty good. It says:

There is a great spiritual lesson here - God knew we were too stupid to really know Him so he became one of us so He could communicate on our level. If you could become a cat, you could speak cat to Bunny. (But who knows if she would really believe what you said, even if you became a cat.) We will pray about the situation because God loves crazy little Bunny cats too.

Anyway, that's why I'm doing OK today.

333

PS - I accidentally sneezed on Oscar today. He flattened his ears, gave me a dirty look and meowed, though he seems to have forgiven me already.