Halloween and the Little Hate

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Today I'm packing a pretty good-sized order, ordering more supplies, getting ready to work security with Toni at church tonight, and planning to take her out for pizza afterwards.

I'm also hoping that all the little girlies (6th - 12th graders) at church tonight aren't wearing those sexy seductive or revealing costumes. While I used to love that about Halloween, now it has become something that I have to watch out for. So help me if there are dozens of girls parading their bodies around in french maid, naughty nurse or sexy fairy costumes I'm just going to leave. I'm not sure when Halloween became a such a hoochie-fest, but I think it was a lot more innocent when I was a kid. Good Lord, man. Seriously.

It's funny how the things that used to totally do it for you now repulse you. Maybe it's just me maturing and getting older, and I'm sure a lot of it (if not most of it) has to do with my addiction recovery, but I just can't stand that aspect of Halloween anymore. I hope our daughter doesn't get sucked into the sexual overtones of so many of the Halloween costumes I've see on the shelves the past few years. Otherwise, I'm going to have to buy a some quicklime, a good shovel and a lot of land in an isolated area, as boys may likely become a problem, albeit one easily dealt with, at least in one capacity.

I was also reminded a night or two how I think a large part of my recovery was learning to hate my addiction. As long as it doesn't start to interfere with your serenity, I highly recommend keeping just a tiny bit of hate in your heart; stored up and ready to drop its poison on the things that hurt us; hurt our relationships, and hurt our relationship with God. I know every once in a while I have to remember what my addiction did to me, and what the actions led me to do, and all the hurt it caused me to inflict on others. So yeah - I keep that little bit of hate close by, and every once in a while I look at it to make sure it's still there, because I need that hate to stay healthy. I need to be reminded of what needs to be hated, and have just enough hate and anger in my heart to fight back at it and give some of the poison back that it gave to me.

My brother says (and I think our old pastor said it, too) that you never find in sin, (addictions, etc.) what you go into sin to find, and I think he's right. Nowadays, when something gets brought before me that I know I'm going to struggle with (and believe me - it still happens) I still have to struggle with getting out of denial about recognizing that whatever it is that attracts me to that person is probably not good for me, my marriage, or my relationship with God. And it still happens, even after nearly three years of recovery.

I think we like to keep little pockets of sin to play with. (And you absolutely substitute the words "sin" and insert "hurts", "habits", and/or "hangups" from here on out - I just know that what I was struggling with was definitely a sin problem, but I can't speak for anybody else and I have no intention of speaking for anybody else but me.) I can see friends of mine doing it - even folks in recovery, who, of all folks, should know better. I swear - sometimes it's like watching an alcoholic open a bottle of whiskey, hold it up to his nose, inhale deeply, and then say he's not drinking. It's close enough, man.

I think every once of us has little pockets of stuff that we think are too small to really hurt us. We keep them around to play with because, at the end of the day, we love them. We love them like little pets. I know that the kinds of stuff I used to stuff in my pockets (thinking that it wouldn't hurt anybody) always seemed to be stuff that wouldn't stay there, leaking out like acid, burning me and sometimes burning others, so I keep that little hate around to spread a little death on those sins that still rear their little heads from time to time, assuring no harm and tempting me with the promise of good feelings. The problem is that they have hate and poison too, and their poison is sweet until it starts to eat through your insides. I know it's so terribly easy for me to forget the burning acid that hits after we start to play around in areas we shouldn't be playing around in and only remember that sweet feeling of love, acceptance, satisfaction, fulfillment - even though they're temporary and always have long-lasting hurts that follow.

Fortunately, I have that little hate to remind me. That little hate never forgets, even though I do. The little hate is always angry. It holds the grudges I can't hold anymore, and it holds them gladly. And for that I'm pretty grateful to the little hate.

I know how weird all of this sounds, and I want to be clear that I very purposefully choose to never hate people. This is very important for you guys to understand. I keep the little hate around for me; so that it can hate the evil that people do, the things that hurt them and the things that they do to others out of that hurt, and hate the things that hurt me as well.

I hope some of this made at least a little sense.

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