And I hate to complain, but.....

....I'm going to anyway.

Today, I HATE being self-employed. As it sits today, I am dead in the water. Can you guess why? Money.

Without money, I can't do any of the following:

- buy materials to fill orders.
- fill orders (no materials)
- ship any orders I've made
- honestly tell my clients that their stuff is on the way
- pay rent
- pay labor
- get my bank accounts out of the red
- buy my daughter a Halloween costume
- go to the doctor, which I need to do.
- answer the phone, which is turned off because I haven't paid the bill. Know why I haven't paid the phone bill? Because I haven't been paid.

And this is just the main business stuff; personal debt is a whole 'nother set of problems.

See? This is why God hates debt. At least, I think He does.

Now - you know what makes this all even worse? The knowledge that the money is on the way, but isn't here today, when I honest-to-God need it. While it should provide a sense of relief, it somehow makes it worse. It also makes it worse that I start a new job on Friday night (being a bouncer again) another new job next week (as a porter - AKA "maintenance man" for my apartment complex). Know why I'm doing those? So I'll have a steady paycheck, which will give me something to work with. Toni's going to be running the show up here while I'm tossing garbage, picking up cigarette butts, power washing porches & scooping dog poop. It'll be worth it to have actual cash in the bank, though.

Borrow some money, just to keep you functional you say? I hate that. I've already borrowed so much money it makes me sick to think about it. And while I know it's coming to an end soon, it.....damnit.

What's the best thing to do for my customers? Make them wait until I get paid?

What's the best thing for ME? Make 'em wait until I get paid so my pride can stay intact, or swallow my pride one more time and see if I can shake somebody down for another loan? Borrowing money makes me feel like the lowest of the low, man, but I hate trying to assure my customers that they're being taken care of when deep down, I know they're not. And I feel like I have only myself to blame on this one.

Ugh - and how do I tithe, man? That's a big deal to me, too.

*sigh*

So, today I sit on my office, with my little paralyzed company, waiting for tomorrow night to come, so I can at least feel like I'm making some money, and I'm frustrated.

You people who have paychecks you know are coming on certain days ought to count your blessings. Some days it's rough sailing out here.

So, God - I know you can read. Please help me. Give me guidance on what I should do, at least. I'm always tired, I'm frustrated, I'm worn out, and this is a lousy way to start a marriage with somebody I dearly love and that deserves much better than a ragged-out me. Plus what I think is an ulcer is flaring up, so if you could either get me to a doctor for cheap or fix that for me I'd really appreciate it. Your will be done, though, as my will is not so hot on occasion. Thanks, God, and I know you're going to take care of me, even though I don't see how.

Back to work, trying to do something.