Tonight's quick self-analysis: Because I still have a surfeit of pride, one of the quickest ways to get under my skin is to ignore and/or disregard me in any sense. As much as I know that ignoring me is most sensible thing for most people to do in many circumstances, I still hate it. It comes back to the olive branch principle again, I guess. I (still?) want to shake it at people who have no reason whatsoever to even want to accept it. I'm sure it probably has something to do with me wanting everybody to like me, too. For some reason I can't explain I have this compulsive need for people that have nothing to do with me whatsoever to like me. Why do I feel like I have to be buddies with everyone? Especially when I'm in a funk, too. I also don't want to admit that, from all outside viewpoints, it probably looks like I'm being entirely selfish, and just assuming that these people have any desire to hear from me in any way whatsoever. Anybody want to untangle that one for me?
You know what I need? I need a parrot that's also a fully-licensed psychiatrist - that way he (or she; I'm not picky) can sit on my shoulder and whisper "Is this really a good idea?" when I start to do anything squirrley. Then the parrot can ask me the questions like "What are you feeling right now?" and "What do you hope to accomplish by this?". I could name the parrot Dr. Beak.
On the movie front, 500 Days of Summer is a good movie, but had I been aware of what it was about I would have skipped it. It hit a scarred over (yet still - apparently - fairly raw) nerve. You wouldn't think that stuff would still have that effect on you so longer afterwards, but I was surprised at my own reaction. Perhaps it's like a wound that heals very, very slowly, and takes that much longer every time something inadvertently re-opens it. It gets better each time, though, ya know?
Something else I hate is how it's one of those things that's not supposed to bug you later on in life, especially after you're married, ya know? It's a weird deal, man. The best thing I could come up with after two days of thinking it over was that I missed a friendship I used to have, but somebody close to me asked this question: were you ever really friends? I didn't have an answer. I like to think so, but is my perspective so distorted that I am unable to come up with the truth; the reality on my own? I think I'm still looking for the answer to that one.
Jeebus - there's like three or four people who are going to get this, man.
Something else, too: do I just flat-out share way the hell too much here? I was thinking about just killing this thing a few nights ago and just going back to living my life with a modicum of privacy like the rest of the world. I'm under no delusions that I have a lot of readers or anything, nor do I think that if I just up and quit anybody would be really disappointed, except maybe for my Mom, as I tend to communicate more with her here than anywhere else. And I'm not trying to get a bunch of "oh - don't go; we love you" posts or anything like that. My general question though, is this: do I share too much, and do I expose too much of my private thoughts here to the extent that it's unhealthy for me and/or others?
Anyway, that's it for tonight. We're going to pick up my Mom at DFW in a few minutes, so I gotta git.
Congratulations Brandon & Jenny, & welcome Keegan! I'll let Brando share the rest.
Have some Hum:
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6 comments:
Seriously, I do love to read your blog. And you don't share too much for me but I'm a detail kinda person.
I like knowing what's going on in your life, good & bad, and praying for you specifically.
I LOVE your humor and reading your blog always makes me smile and/or laugh.
I like the connection between knowing that you are LJ and Ruth's son and Brandon's brother and reading your mom's comments. I was going through some pretty major stuff when we attended the mini-church at their house and your mom was so kind, caring and loving, even while speaking some truth that I didn't always want to hear but I knew she was right and I knew she cared enough to say it. I can see that coming through her comments to you.
I LUUUUUUUUV the cats!!! And other critters...the bear at the picnic table is especially cute = )
So, for me, I really REALLY want you to keep blogging but I understand if you'd rather stop. If you do stop, I would ditto Brandon on keeping a journal. If you'd rather not write it by hand, you could always type it, print it out and put it in a notebook. I'm a big fan of journaling...
word: unnies
what you wear under your pants or shorts = )
On the area of relationships, particularly men/women. I find a little comfort in Jesus's talk with the Jews over marrage in Heaven. (Matthew 22:23-32) The story, you know, about the woman married to 7 brothers one after the other. The Question was who's wife was she in heaven? His answer gives me hope. Basicly we will no longer have a need to have children and therfore there is "no" desire for sex. Sex is a God given desire that He knew we needed if we were to survive as species. It is a glue that brings two individuals so differently emotionally equiped into relationship. The rub is that sex is only good for keeping two in relationship. Extend it to three or more and the whole relationship is busted. The point I am going for is that in heaven the aspect of relationship the binds us to one and seperates us from all others, is no longer part of the mix. In heaven we will be able to relate to everone with the same kind of complete love the we have with Christ and He has with us. Your desire to have a perfect relationship with everyone is in the nature of who God made you to be. His promise to you is that He will complete the work He has begone in you! {Live long and proper, when your body is in the grave, sex will quit being a problem}
It doesn't matter what we think. This is your blog. You should ask yourself why you want to blog? Is it really good for you to blog? Does it make things worse? Is it a way for you to hold on to things rather than giving it to God? Are you depending more on people than God? (What I mean by this is are you trying to get reactions/comments/advice from others and not going to God) This is your blog, your life. Share or don't share. It isn't up to us, but it is up to you.
MMc- Having a desire to be friends with someone is not the same as having a desire to have sex. We are made for fellowship- not to have a desire for another just for procreation. I have no desire to have sex with any of my close friends, (other than Ian) women and men alike! I have male friends that also know Ian and they are like brothers to me. There is nothing wrong with healthy, brother/sister relationships, nor does sex factor having the desire for them.
Also, God DIED for us so that we may have LIFE, even life here on Earth- I believe with this God gives us life as precious and I do not believe we should wish for death. And, btw, even if your intentions are good, having someone desire death is not good advise, especially when they are in a 'funk'.
One more note, I have heard this not just from your comment, but from others including church leaders as well- the implication of just 'making it through' here because life in Heaven, where we will not be in one-on-one relationships and there will be no worries. We are made to serve God, not just in Heaven, but here on Earth as well. I am not implying that Earth and Heaven are alike. God desires us to have good relationships with one another here; He made the Earth and put us here to live, and gave us tools to do the best we can with what we have. I also believe that giving up on living the way God wants us to live NOW and just wishing for life in Heaven (instead of both) is of a slap in His face. If God just wanted us to live in Heaven with no worries, no sin, why did he make the Earth, why was sin allowed i.e why did He give us choices knowing that some would be the wrong ones? God makes no mistakes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring life with just God, just be aware of life with Him here as well.
Also, Steven posted a question which has seemed to be ignored or avoided... Why do we need to love one another?
I will step up. In a nutshell, because we are commanded to. Steven quoted Jesus saying to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself." Again, it does not make sense because most Christians do not do this. (I say Christians because we cannot hold non-Christians to this.) But, some Christians do. Not everyone is flawless, and I do not know anyone either who loves everybody. That is a standard only God can reach. Therein lies the Catch-22, we don't love everybody- yet we are commanded to. At my last job, I saw a man who was the shooter of patients that I had to treat- he had 2 little girls who loved them. I saw molesters and abusers who also had people love them. Difficult, yes, for us, but there are reasons for God's instructions.
I truly believe the commandment that we're supposed to love one another AS WE LOVE OURSELVES was very carefully and also significantly phrased specifically that way (it was stated about as straight-forwardly simple as you could probbaly imagine).
Once you read and understand a little about the cool stuff they've uncovered looking into Quamtum Physics - that commandment will suddenly become crystal clear and make ABSOLUTE PERFECT SENSE (go read and figure it out for yourself - it is sooo freaking simple that even a child can understand the "why" of that "command" - Jesus was giving us a direct clue as to how God's Universe works).
But we don't love one another as we love ourselves - and we're all gonna feel pretty stupid about that when we meet Jesus in "person" and he explains it. It is going to be a Homer Simpson "Doh!" moment for all of us.
Not for me, though, because "I have seen the Light", so I can't feign ignorance - but I will still answer the same way: "Why did You make most of the others suck?"
And by the way, yes, everyone can find someone who loves them. Even Hitler had a girlfriend named Eva Braun (not to mention the adoring crowds who loved him exactly like some peole today worship Obama).
And in the words of Monty Python - Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. (Unless, of course, you acquire the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch)
One other thing - we are all here TO LIVE.
To experience the world.
God constructed us for this specific purpose and he set in motion a decided pleasant and appealing way for this wonderful "machine" to self-replicate and continue on without much direct intervention. (Obfuscated way to refer to sex - For The Win!)
I have read that a common trait of people who experience a "near death" experience is that many seem to come away from that with a near insatiable hunger to LEARN as much as they can about everything that they can. They come away with the feeling that this is somehow extremely important for us to do - btu they can't remember exactly why.
Hmm, I wonder.
Becasue everything out there was built by God FOR A REASON and your "assignment" is to EXPERIENCE his creation. Period. End of Story.
Now, how does that change your outlook on life?
Knowing that the primary reason "We"(hint, hint) are here is simply TO BE.
To Exist for as long as we can. (This is why suicide is so incredibly pathetic as well as a huge mistake - isn't suicide considered to be "the one unforgivable sin"?)
To "Live and Learn".
To simply EXPERIENCE LIFE.
Makes everything that was bugging you suddenly seem rather insignificant - doesn't it?
Oh, and there is a very specific reason why no two of us experience the exact same things in our lives. (Gosh, more hints)
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