I had kind of a rough night, after a very, very good day.

First off, I fell asleep on the couch when I got home, which I didn't mean to do, and I feel like I wasted some time with my kiddo. Then Toni and I had...well, not a fight, not even a disagreement, really, but something that felt like as bad as a fight just as I was trying to walk out the door to go to work. It was pretty upsetting to both of us, and I hate leaving the house like that.

Then I got triggered at work because I saw something completely innocuous that reminded me of something that hits the core of my addiction (because if I can deviate something into something sexual part of my brain will still make the initial effort to do so in a heartbeat), but that I can't even begin to write about for at least three different reasons, none of which I can even elaborate on, which sucks because if I have to keep it in, it festers, and this one is particularly deep.

Now, it's 4:55 AM, and I'm exhausted, yet wide awake. Toni will get up in two hours to go do something I feel like I should have supported her on better, and our daughter in probably three or four, if I'm really lucky.

And hey - when your brain finally quits torturing you with old memories on it's own, when does it stop trying to go back to the spot it used to find them at look into the hole? I still feel like doing stupid things. In fact, this whole paragraph is in and of itself a stupid thing, because nobody need to read this, but I did it anyway because I wanted to. Does that desire/those desires ever go away or is that how we humans roll? I know that's pretty damn cryptic, but that's all I can do, and even saying that much was probably a mistake. Tonight I feel torn between frustration, determination and surrender.

Oh - now it's five. I'll bet my folks are already up. I'm going to bed and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

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