Truth be told, I don't feel like writing out all of this, but I'd rather get it out here and get rid of it than try to bury it. I spent several hours trying to digest and sort out it all out yesterday, and it just about ate my lunch.
Without breaking my word to anybody, I was struggling with something unhealthy, and it bothered me that the idea had occurred to me in the first place, as it made me feel like I was subconsciously destroying my own recovery and my relationship with Toni. The short version is this:
There's a relationship that didn't end on my terms, and in my pride and my sinful nature, I can't abide by that. Part of me still wants to control that relationship; to keep poking with that "olive branch" until I can get what *I* want, regardless of how innocent and benignly I can rationalize it to myself or others. In my brokenness and codependency, when an opportunity arose, that inner addict still wants to exercise that control. Unfortunately for that inner addict, the relationship is long over and I can no longer manipulate, control, or influence that relationship whatsoever, because it doesn't exist. That is hard for the addict in me to accept, no matter how necessary it is. At the end of the day, this one was about control, man.
Anyway, that's about it for that one. I had originally intended to go into great depth and detail and "unpack" it all (with full disclosure), but somebody very close to me explained why that would a bad idea, and how I would be breaking my word to the person I love the most. Turns out, this was enough.
Thank you.
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