Thursday

I can't remember the last time I went this long without being paid. This is no-shit awful. It might be a record. Man - love may make the world go 'round, but I think money makes the gears turn. Thank goodness the internet connection is the last thing to go, huh? I have to confess - I'm a little stressed today. And a little bitter.

As much as I love Toni, I hate that weddings cost money. Facilities. Rings. Pictures. Licenses. Even if you're trying to do all of it as financially responsibly as you can, it can get on your nerves, especially when you're as broke as I am. When you don't have any money, there's not much difference between $10, $100 and $1000 - at the end of the day, you don't have any of it, so it doesn't matter.

Today I'm bent that marriage licenses went up to $67 dollars, unless you can prove that you went to a state-approved pre-martial counseling class, in which case it's only $7. Ironically, Pathways (of which I remain a steadfast advocate of) offers such a course called Relationship Rich, which I know would be an awesome course, but I think will cost us about $250 or so, thereby making not economically viable at this time. I do want us to go through that class someday, though.

I have to confess this; I caught myself wondering "what if" this morning - what if I had gone through Pathways while I was still married, or what if I had gone through the Relationship Rich program while in another relationship? Might I still be with either of them? I think Pathways could have probably saved my marriage, and maybe Relationship Rich could have saved that relationship, too. I'll never know, though, ya know? The only answer I have to those questions is this - God's will, plan and timing is always better than my own, and I might not (probably wouldn't?) be where I am today (and who I'm with today) had either of those thing occurred. I guess that's why they say you shouldn't live in the past and spend a lot of time wondering "what if". I don't think anything good ever comes of that, and it takes away from the joy that God intends for us to live in today. Overall, I'm happy today, and I wouldn't be where I am today had God had a different plan for me than the one He's given me so far. As rough as parts of it were, I wouldn't change a thing.

And be not fooled - I love Toni with all my heart, and I mean it when I say I wouldn't change a thing.

Anyway, I've been doing follow-up calls with the bars this morning, and trying to get some work stuff and some wedding stuff done, too. And I should probably actually propose at some point, too. And I'd still like to have some kind of "honeymoon", too, even if it's only the weekend to someplace close.

No new word on the house. I need a good fire.

Tonight is "Meet the Teacher" night at Code Name Diamond's school. I'm dressed to her specifications so as not to "embarrass" her, which is her new thing. I blame TV for this development.

Speaking of development, the kittens (mostly Timone) are in an especially annoying stage of development. It's like having a tumbling, rolling, climbing round tornado of yellow and orange fighting monkeys in a constant state of chaotic fury. Additionally, it is very, very evident that Timone possess a handful of qualities that, while separate, are quite desirable, but when combined can prove to be quite a terrible concoction in any pet, especially a cat.

A) Intelligence
B) Athleticism
C) Aggression (though playful)

I swear, if he was dumb, and athletic and aggressive he'd be easy to control because he'd be too stupid to figure things out. If he was smart & athletic but lazy he'd be no problem because he wouldn't be into EVERYTHING. If he was aggressive and intelligent he wouldn't be a problem because he'd lack the physical ability to cause any real turmoil. Unfortunately, he's all muscle, has the energy of a nuclear reactor, and is at least as smart as a monkey. If he was evil by nature I might have to sleep with my gun. Ironically, Timone was the runt of the litter.

Pumba is much more docile, a little clumsier, perhaps not dangerously bright and a lot prettier. He and Oscar, who is much older, seem to have bonded pretty well. I think Oscar keeps Pumba out of trouble, while Timone, lacking any kind of mentor relationship, is left to his own devices and suffers from a lack of the appropriate guidance necessary to keep him out of trouble.

The past few days I've been a little twitchy with my addiction; I still have days where it still wants to be let back in the door, I guess. I still have some memories I haven't replaced yet and I haven't been able to shake, but having over two years in recovery makes it tolerable and I have the tools necessary to stand solid. The hitting the 6-month mark has helped, too. It's still an everyday thing, even if it's mostly an awareness nowadays and not necessarily an actual struggle or an all-out fight, thought those still do occur from time to time. Every day, man.

One day at a time.

Ok - think that's it for today.

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