Realizations from the Weekend

So this weekend I was taking stock of my house, my furniture, what stays (very little), what goes (most of it), etc when I realized something.

I've had that house for over five years, and if you added it all up, I only have a few days worth, and maybe a few weeks worth, of happy memories in that house.

In every room there's a painful memory, or one that now I'm ashamed of.

The front living area was where I first saw the mess that was left over after my wife had finally moved out - that's been burned into my memory like a branding iron. The upstairs bedrooms? Where my then-wife stayed moved to and isolated herself while our marriage died. The room of the daughter that I've lost so much time with - empty 99% of the time. The upstairs game room where a family and more children never materialized to play together. The back yard and porch where I drunkenly screamed at and cursed God. The front yard where I drank myself into a stupor the night I signed the divorce papers. The patched drywall and doors where I drove my fist through them, and the indelible knuckle marks on the metal of the front door. My bedroom (where I smashed all my furniture in a fit of rage) and my bathroom are still carry memories I can't shake years later, memories I'm now ashamed of and actions I regret, though I know I've been forgiven for. That house was home to my divorce, my excruciating, even more painful breakup with another woman I loved very much, and was witness to my wallowing in and acting out an appalling, shameful and heinous addiction. It was in that house that I screamed at people I love very much, and threw things in anger. I bottomed out there, man.

A lot.

And now I think I want to get away from the location that's seen so much hurt. It'll be nice to move to a new place that has a clean slate.

I do have a few good memories that nobody can take away. Playing "Ball Fight" with my daughter in the stairwell is probably my number one, seconded by racing tricycles down the driveway. Building a side deck with Code Name Diamond & Toni was fun, too, and so was tossing the softball with my daughter in the front room & upstairs this weekend. Giving her little baths in the tub is something I'll take, too. Aside from a party or two and having a few friends over for dinner, I think I might just leave the rest.

I also realized this week that I've stubbornly held onto the notion that the house was all God could do for me; that that house had to be God's best for me. I realized this weekend that God can do better if He wants to, so I think I'll let Him, and thank Him for giving me a place of shelter for the past five years. And maybe God wants to see the financial pressure off of me a little, too. I know I wouldn't want my kid being ground down a little every day by that.

This week I'm going to try to unload the house for whatever I can get for it (even at a loss) before the foreclosure clock runs out and I get slapped with it. If you guys are the praying sorts, any assistance you feel the Lord could give me in this area would be much appreciated, but I'm now willing to take the hit, because I know God can work His will and bring great things from something terrible. God's bigger than a foreclosure, ya know?

Anyway, that's it for today. See you guys tomorrow.

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