a Public Safety Announcement

After several years of exhaustive research, I have determined a time frame during which you are completely, 100% safe to sleep.

See - when I was a little kid, occasionally I'd get scared of "monsters" or whatever, particularly after seeing a scary movie. while watching the clock, I knew that if I could make it to dawn I'd be fine. However, after much thought, experimentation & practical experience, I have determined that monsters, ghosts, devils, and any other assorted nocturnal creepers that require you to hide under the covers are only active during the following hours:

12:00 AM - 5:00 AM

You are also safe under the following circumstances;

A) You parents are still awake (they're up later than you)
B) The morning paper has arrived
C) You are protected by some sort of religious talisman (Bible, cross necklace, Amy Grant tape)


This rule also applies to such threats as Zombies and Home invaders; though the latter operates earlier in the evening. Home Invasion hours are from 6:00 PM - 5:00 AM. Zombies can't tell time.

Anyway, that is all.

This public safety message has been brought to you by Direct TV, Glock, and the cross you can look through and read the Lord's Prayer- great for Easter, graduations and birthdays.

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