Monday Night's real one

Today could have gone better.

I found out that I will more than likely be unable to qualify for a home loan for the next 4-5 years. Apparently, a short sale is the same thing as a foreclosure to lenders. That would have been good information to beforehand. Had I known it would have trashed my credit as bad as a foreclosure I'd have just walked away from it instead of trying to do the "right" thing and turn it back over gracefully and legally. No good deed goes unpunished, huh?

This leaves us with three options, as I see it.

1) Stay here for 4-5 years.
2) Find a way to move that doesn't depend on a credit score.
3) Pay cash.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Today I had an opportunity to surrender all of this to God and I didn't take it. I reacted badly, man - really badly. Nice going on my "turning it al over to God", huh? It took me like 12 hours to blow that one. I want to say that I'm going to do better tomorrow, but I don't know what's going to happen.

I feel like I failed, that I let my family down again. I feel ashamed that I'm not able to provide a place for them to live on my own merit. I feel like I can't earn it on my own, and that's demoralizing. I feel like I'm a poor leader, and somewhat of a failure, and that I'm never going to make it or get my act together, whatever those things mean. I can hear the words of my ex-wife in my head - her saying "you just can't get your act together." Tonight I feel like I'm just doing a good job of proving her right one more time, and that my daughter is going to grow up thinking her father is a fool.

I think tomorrow I'm going to go find another therapist. I'm having problems controlling my temper as of late. I think I'm going to quit the bar, too. If I'm able to snap and twist off like I have been as of late, I don't want to take the risk of doing it at work where somebody might get hurt. I think if I actually hurt another person out of anger or because I couldn't control my temper that would stay with me for a very long time. I can use the time to work some extra hours at the theater or work on more family business stuff. I think it might be less stress if I stop working there, too. It makes it hard to sleep and harder to wake up. I was getting tired of the patrons anyway, and more easily angered.

Toni and I are having some problems I can't talk about here without violating her privacy or being disrespectful, so I'm hoping a therapist can help me with those as well. I can say that it's my issue(s), not her's, and it has nothing to do with anybody else in any way whatsoever, and I'm not lying about that - I wanted to be very, very clear on this one. I think it's recovery-related, but I don't know how to fix it.

I was thinking today about something that I'd like to do but I don't know how to do it, or when I'd have time to. I was thinking that I'd like to either write (or, more accurately, arrange) a few songs for drum corps. Mostly chorales, which are slow, flowing, melodic pieces with deep, resonating, powerful chord structures. They're usually used for warm-ups and tuning, but man - do crowds (and I) love them. I had a few I'd like to hear done, but so far nobody I know has done them. How cool would it be to hear something you did played by musicians in the venue that you value the most?

Anyway, that's it, other than to reply from the response from yesterday. Granbury is too far from the higher level (larger) theaters that I need to cling to to make the most money. For example, I would get paid more working at a larger theater in a larger market than I would working the same job (albeit on a smaller scale) at a smaller (lower level) theater. Imagine making the drive from Grandbury to say....Plano, in a truck that gets 10 miles to the gallon. That is (well, was) the main consideration, at the moment. Not that it matters a lot for a while, huh?

Anyway, that's it.

Have an REM song: Daysleeper



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