Well, gosh - I didn't do much today, so I'm a little hard-pressed to find stuff to write about. We did go out to eat, and we've discovered two things. First, Toni and I can split an entree and both have plenty to eat. Secondly, coupons are your friend. Toni went on a coupon spree and scored a passel of free stuff - mostly food. This pleases me. I'm a little tempted to see how much little money I can spend and make a game out of it, or at least see who has what on special and go there.
I'm gonna have to go see my chiropractor this week. I can feel my back starting to act up again. I think I only have about ten more days before it goes out or slips that disc again. Maybe my chiropractor has a special.
After yesterday I'm starting to feel more at ease with working at the theater. I think that I had (and still have) a preconceived notion of where I ought to be financially; I used to go by the theory that as you grew older you should make more and more money every year until you're financially secure. So far, that seems to have quit working in 2002. I've since learned that not much in life is stable, especially money. Hell - even relationships can fail, and often do. Last Friday would have been my 10 year anniversary with my first wife. I suppose I've been in denial about that bothering me, but it kind of has. I mean, aren't we supposed to have forgotten all about that and moved on? It's not that I want my first wife back or anything like that; I let that go a very long time ago. I guess it's just the sense of failure I still struggle with from time to time; the thought that I could have done something different and maybe our daughter would have her biological parents still together. Isn't what what we're brought up to believe is the best thing for the kid? Isn't that what they told us in church the experts all say? Isn't that what God wants for us? Ten years ago, man. Some days I think "we could have made it." Same days I think I think that.
Don't get me wrong - I know that God has had a plan for me all along, but sometimes it's hard for me to reconcile it in my heart, even when my head gets it. I know He's brought me through all of this so far; my divorce, my recovery, my ex-girlfriend, my financial meltdown - all of this is being to further His glory, right? But I have to admit that part of me is quite terrified that He's building me up for something really terrible in the future - something that only somebody that's gone what I've gone through could handle without breaking, and I'm afraid of what that might be. Is God just building me up to take something else I love away from me? And How will I know what it's going to be? Will I lose my wife, my daughter? I don't know how well I'd handle that, man.
I have to confess that while I know intellectually that God can bring about the greatest, most wonderful things through the most tragic and sad of circumstances, but emotionally I don't want to go through anything else. I'm already tired some days, but I know that God doesn't operate on what I want, only on what He wants, and He's not interested in making us comfortable, or making us feel safe, or making us love Him, or even making us feel like we're in on what He's doing. I have to admit - I don't always like that, but I know that it's not something I can control, and I just have to proceed on faith and hope that somehow God's plan will ultimately be what He's promised us it will be. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I'm still afraid sometimes.
So much of my life hasn't gone that way I would have thought it would, the way that I thought it would have wanted it for me. I went through a divorce. I went through another terrible breakup later on. I became an addict somewhere along the way. I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention - this is the life that God had in store for me? I don't know how many times I've looked up at the sky and asked God that question - is THIS it? THIS is what you wanted for me? I never got an answer, not when I felt I needed one the most.
I supposed it's human nature, to feel that way. It's what makes us fallible, what causes us to take shortcuts, like lying, cheating and stealing, isn't it? Those are the things we do when we don't believe enough; when, in our brokenness, we doubt what God says He has in store for us, and when we let our own desires, even if they're not bad in and of themselves, get the best of us. We cheat so we can gt ahead, maybe because we believe that we can't do it on our own. We steal, perhaps to get things we can't have or to fill a hole or a need that nothing else seems to fill. I know I lied to the people I loved the most to keep from feeling abandoned, or even feeling to keep from feeling like somebody was going to leave me, to make them believe in me and to make the love me. Ultimately, of course, it fails, but as fallen, broken people, it's what we do.
I love my wife. I love my daughter. I love my sobriety. I love my parents. I love my friends. I love being able to have someplace to fall when I was ready to hit the bottom. I'm happy that my daughter is growing up in two families that adore her, families of peace and not families of turmoil and strife. I've seen the result of that in people I dearly loved, and the hurts that creates can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. I'm happy to be married to somebody that loves me and that I don't live in fear of leaving me. I'm happy with my life, if not my circumstances, but I can't control those. I guess sometimes it's just good to get these things out where they can't hurt you anymore.
For what it's worth, I'm not sad or anything. I guess some nights you get reflective. Apparently, this is one of those nights.
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