So I've fallen *really* behind in blogging. It's because my real computer is still busted and I hate typing on this teeny laptop keyboard, but I hate not blogging more.

My Mom is coming home for a month tonight. She'll be here for a month, which is nice. I'm going to try not to gain any weight, but it means I'm going to have to put some real effort behind it, and probably start riding the bike more.

A lot of unexpected folks come to you on Facebook as "friend" suggestions. Some of 'em are folks I don't want to talk to at all, some of 'em are folks I'm fairly indifferent to, and some are folks I'd like to talk to and be Facebook friends with but probably ought to leave alone for both our benefits. It's a lot like real life that way.

My mango went bad while I was waiting for it to get ripe. I missed my window, but it's not like I can't get another one. It's a mango.

*sigh*

So.....here we go. Let's get it out there and deal with it.

I know that God is a God of all; of making the impossible possible. Making miracles happen. Curing the incurable. making the blind see, freeing the captive - I get all of that; I really do. But I've had a crisis of some sort lately - let me explain.

As I think all of you guys know, I used to be a cop. I have never, ever really let that go. I've always said that if I could go back and do it again I would. I still regret turning down a full-time position with Dallas County in 1999. Now - here's the rub. I've been unable to get a full-time gig as a cop, man. I've been shot down by no fewer than 15 departments since 1995. I tried again last year to get hired as a jailer, only to get shot down there, too. I've been encouraged to try the federal route, but I have to admit - I'm tired of getting told "no", and I don't know how much my heart is in it when I secretly think the entire process (which is very, very long, tedious and arduous) is domed to result in yet another failure and rejection. After consulting (off the record) with more than one background investigator, most of the problem is stuff I can't make go away - my addiction recovery, and most notably a girlfriend I had when I was 20 - who was 16. That's burned me more times than anything. I have a permanent ban from one department because the polygraph showed deception when they began questioning me about my sexual history. To tell the truth, I was badly, terribly rattled when talking about it to a complete stranger, and after spilling my guts I was an emotional wreck. In the end, I wasn't ready to deal with some of the stuff I'd done, and the polygraph showed my inner conflict, and said I was lying. That was in 1996; when I was 23. I'm about to hit 37 - the cutoff age for a lot of cop jobs. So - what do I do? Do I keep trying?

So here's my questions for this:

A) Do I give up on my dream?

B) Is it just accepting reality?

C) Is it doubting God's ability to get me hired?

D) How do I know what God's will is for me on this?

E) Is it ignoring God if He keeps shutting the doors?

G) Why do I have this dream still - this deep, burning desire to function in that role? Why has God given me that passion yet sees fit to not give me the way to do it?

Professionally, I was never happier than when I was a cop. I was making $9 an hour in an old, run-down dirt-poor town with 12 streets - none of them paved - under a chief that wouldn't take me seriously, and a lieutenant that didn't like me, and working nearly 50 hours a week with no overtime. Yet (job-wise) I was happy, because I was living my dream out. I've never forgotten that.

So I guess I don't now what to do. Do I keep trying, or do I forget my dream, or is trying to move on and leave your dream behind to live in what seems to be reality just telling God that I don't believe He's capable of doing what I can't?

This has been weighing on my mind for a long time, man. Ever since I was a kid, all I ever wanted to be is a cop, but it sure looks like God has other plans for me. How do I reconcile that, or do I?

What do I do?

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