So today I did what I do best when I'm feeling down, confused & broken - I went to counseling. It was fairly productive, but I think what I got the most out of was when I asked this question: is God punishing me?

Turns out, odds are He's really not.

I think at the root of this is a core belief that it's just not going to get any better; that God usually doesn't come through; that my lot in life is to never really be good enough; that I'll never really make it; that I'm never going to really succeed in the ways that I want to, because that's just the way it is.

Man - I think I just realized today that that's a lie. I always accepted it as reality, and I never once challenged it, not really. I had glimpses of what it might be like to win, but I guess at my core I never really believed it would come true. It's a hard thing, accepting Satan's lie as reality without realizing it.

And that, ladies and gentleman, has been my be-all end-all reality. That's what I've lived and breathed for 38 years.

You know what, though? God doesn't say that anyplace. God isn't in heaven punishing me for screwing up so many times; odds are I'm just punishing myself, and keeping myself in this rut, all because I've never really challenged what I've simply accepted as reality. But now that I understand that A) I've spend my while life in an expectation of failure with the inevitable results that can only be achieved through existing daily with that mindset and B) I don't have to do that.....

....well....

Maybe things are about to change.

In other news, we donated blood today & ate steak for dinner. I nearly blew myself over trying to light the grill when more gas than expected flashed over with enough force to push me back. It scared the hell out of the dog, who tried to desperately to hide, and terrified the cats, who, despite already being safely inside, fled for cover. Toni was nonplussed, and the ensuing steak, fried potatoes (which Toni has mastered) and jalepeno ranch beans were delicious. My ears are still ringing a bit, though.

Toni is napping on the bed - giving blood always takes a bit out of her. I ate enough red meat to cure anemics in three counties, so I feel OK. I figured I'd take a few to blog while she sleeps off her steak coma before we get back to work.

And I found a video of a guy shooting a rifle that was designed in 1891 and saw service through the Russian army all through WWII hitting a 18" X 18" target from 1000 yards. That's 10 football fields, people. Pretty cool, man -  I can't even see 1000 yards.
Have a cat food coomercial from 1987