“Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher, just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says; even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?” - Ned Flanders
This was what I wanted to talk about today, because there's something I don't understand.
This afternoon, Toni said that maybe God is more concerned about having a relationship with me than He is concerned about giving me stuff (in this case, a job). Fair enough - I get that.
I'm having a hard time grasping what that looks like, though. From my perspective, God knows everything about me, in every sense of the word. He knows the future, all my thoughts, etc. he is my Creator. HE, obviously, has a relationship with me. He has nothing to gain from me; I have nothing I can tell Him that He doesn't already know. I can offer Him nothing. He doesn't need me for anything, and I can't grasp how He would benefit from knowing me in any way, much less why he would even want to.
Now, the simple answer here is that He loves me. I understand that on an intellectual level, but I don't grasp it emotionally, and that's Issue #1.
Issue #2 is this: I don't understand how to have a relationship with that; meaning I don't know how to have a relationship with an omnipotent Creator that already knows everything about me, and even knows my future. The messages and ideas I feel like I've learned in church now seem somewhat contradictory.
For example, I was brought up to believe that I can approach God as a child approaches his father. A child doesn't fear his father - a child approaches his father confidently (generally speaking) and without second thought.
-BUT-
Isn't Bible pretty clear about how terrifying God is; about how He's beyond comprehension, and how that angels - who are about a billion times removed from God - are generally so terrifying that people generally fall flat on their face when they see one?
Isn't the Bible pretty clear that God is God and not my buddy, boyfriend or co-pilot? Nor is He a vending machine, bodyguard, or magician? He's the Creator of the Universe, the all powerful God, the Great I Am.
Isn't the Bible pretty clear that God basically says I am God, and you're not, so don't get all self-righteous and indignant when you don't get your way? Be quiet and know I'm God.
I can't seem to reconcile these things with the image of a little kid approaching His father.
I'd also wager that your father is a lot easier to know than God is, man (estranged relationships & childhood trauma notwithstanding). I mean, I know my Dad pretty well - a hell of a lot better than I know God, at least.
But God's not a person, at least not anymore, so how do I know somebody that I can't interact with on a sensory level (which is all I have)?
I don't get reading the Bible, either - that doesn't seem to really tell me anything,l which is why I generally don't read it. Prayer feels much the same way, as of late, too - it feels like I'm just talking to myself, and I have to confess I have no real expectation of being answered, which puts a damper on how much you believe your own prayers.
And I know I'm supposed to believe and expect God to answer prayers, and to believe and expect that He is going to do ....something, man. But what do I do when it feels like He's not doing anything; at least not in a way I can comprehend. And let's face it - my comprehension is all I know, and it's the only measuring stick I have,.
And while I'm on it, I know I'm supposed to be thankful in all things, and try to figure out what God is supposed to be teaching me or something like that. I should be thankful I'm not starving or sick or in jail or being tortured and I have my kid and my wife and all of that. I get that - I really do.
but man - you can only say "thank you for _______" so many times before it starts feeling hollow and fake, and then what do you do? Especially when God seems to be out on me for now. I feel alone & estranged from God, and while I know He's still in the same place because HE hasn't moved, I don;'t think I ran off either.
And I know that somehow, this is all my problem, not His.
So - what's my problem?
And eight weeks ago I watched porn for about 45 minutes, and then the next weekend I watched it again and I rubbed one out, and a few nights ago I watched about 30 seconds of it.
And I'm having a hard time saying "I'm not an addict" tonight, because if I wasn't an 9recoverin) addict I wouldn't be struggling with this, right? I get moving forward and saying that my addiction isn't my identity in Christ, but trying to pretend I've beaten it or pretend it no longer exists simply does not work.
So again - what's my problem?
6 comments:
You ask alot of good Questuions and need an intelegent intellectual answer. Sorry I am not that smart. I did read another link from your brothers page called McKinney's dinner. It struck me as if God were giving you His answer as you were asking the Questions. Job who also had some problems with life, had to live with the same answer.
Some observations which may or may not have value:
This afternoon, Toni said that maybe God is more concerned about having a relationship with me than He is concerned about giving me stuff (in this case, a job). Fair enough - I get that.
You say this and then (unless I am misunderstanding you) say that you don't understand how you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't need you to give them anything. You seem to be defining a relationship as a means of taking something you want/need from someone else. Perhaps you need to explore your definition of relationship.
Re: God is terrifying but also is approachable as a father- You are correct that this is difficult to reconcile, but don't mistake "amazing" for "contradictory." God is the all-powerful creator of the universe and we cannot earn the right to approach Him on our own merit, of course. The approachableness of God is a concession He is making. He is perfectly capable of coming down to our level. He is not restricted by His own awesomeness.
Based on what you are saying here, it seems to me that you are placing way to much emphasis on how you feel. The Bible "feels" useless, as does prayer. That doesn't mean it is. Antibiotics feel useless when you take them, because you are still sick moments after you start them.
Basically, there is nothing wrong with you when you do not feel a particular way about doing what is right. People do not always feel what they ought to. Sometimes I don't feel loving toward my children. I do not ask "What is wrong with me," I just recognize that feelings do not always reflect the truth and move on. Sometimes I shrug as well.
Also, regarding the last two paragraphs:
Romans 8: 1-4
You have done nothing that requires condemnation, because all of your sins have been forgiven. You will not achieve perfection in this life. You will fail. repeatedly. Each of those failures is already accounted for and forgiven.
What is wrong with you is in Romans 7: 21-25. Basically, you are as sinful and wretched as the apostle Paul. Reread the previous paragraph and be thankful that those stumblings don't matter.
Also, read Philippians, chapter 3, particularly 12-14. Look where you are going, not where you have been.
i have been an addict for over half of my life now. it's difficult to put what i am about to say into any kind of meaningful context, but i will try...
part of the lure of the addiction is the thrill of not being the thing that you fear. spending so much energy and time on not-being-an-addict-or not-doing-the-thing-drug can be worse than doing the thing (or substance in my case) that defines you as an addict. it's in our nature to have this as a functional part of our personalities.
perhaps instead of spending so much effort on not-being-an-addict-or not-doing-the-thing-drug can help you get past the times when you *need* or *have* to engage in said activity?
there have been many times over the past 6 years since i stopped drinking and 15 years since i stopped using when i have spent so much energy on not doing said things that it would have been better to have just fallen into the void and suffered the consequences. and what exactly would have been those consequences? how bad would it have been? no idea.
to me, being sober is a process - much like building something from nothing. you will make mistakes and you will slip up along the way. in may ways there is no end goal. there is only the process of improvement on a very long timeline.
looking at this through a Godly and relational lens is much the same. i was loosely connected to church and Christianity for much of my youth, but never really got anything out of it as i did not put any effort whatsoever in. i did not become a rational believer until 28 - i'm past that by several years now. this later in life deliverance has left me shockingly more tolerant and realistic of choices, challenges and the folly of others.
what happens is between you and God. he is that father with unending acceptance and love that keeps saying, "hey guy, it's ok. i mean it's not ok, but i get it. it's ok. it's a long and winding road and you kinda lost the battle - not necessarily the war."
God is not punishing you. it's hard to reconcile that with the relational thing. it has taken me years to get that concept - and there are many times when i still do not. we are as we are - living in an imperfect world and flawed at our core because of that disconnection from him.
some random thoughts and nothing more than an opinion. my small group prays for you every week, and i wish you well.
That's one of the most humbling responses I've ever recieved.
I hear you.
Thank you.
where's the like button for the anonymous post?
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