You guys ever have one of those nights when it's all going OK (not great, but OK) and WHAM - it just falls apart on you?

And now I want to be a jerk. I want to be bad and selfish, and it's an added frustration that it's been so long that I was really bad and really selfish I'm not even good at it anymore, at least not good enough at it to not get caught, which I suppose is better for everybody anyway. I'm good and mad, and as much as I want to be mad I can feel it wearing off faster than I want it to, because I want to be mad. And bad.

I want to go into every gory detail of what transpired here tonight, but suffice it to say I can't, because that would be a jerk thing to do, and I don't want to be a jerk because then folks won't like me as much, and I simply can't have that. I have to be able to maintain my moral high ground because the view from my high horse is much nicer than the view from the ground. I just want to be a jerk and still have everybody like me. Can I just be a jerk tonight and pretend like nothing ever happened tomorrow? Am I a good enough BS artist to pull that off now?

I want to be an ass and have it be OK - if any of you guys could figure out a way to make that happen I'd sure appreciate it. I want to be a jerk and still be RIGHT, too, so if you guys could add that I'd appreciate that, too.

I guess I want to be a jerk and be bad out of anger, and some frustration, but mostly anger. I want to feel like it's revenge or at least something I can redirect back at somebody else - See how mad I was? Look at what YOU made me do! This is all your fault. Justify, justify, justify...and then play the victim, change the game, and get them before they get you. That works, right?

I'd sure like to act out - I really would, 'cause THAT would show 'em. THAT would show 'em how to treat me. Unfortunately, I can't even skate around the edges as well as I'd like to anymore, so even my little dirt has backfired on me - I can't find what I'm looking for, which I guess is good, but tonight just pisses me off because I can't get what I want, no matter how much it might hurt anybody else but me. Fortunately, I'm too mad to care at the moment.

So there you go. I want to be bad and angry and a jerk but tonight I lack the acumen, the means and the opportunity - though tonight I'd welcome all three. 'Cause I'm mad.

And I'm mad at everybody that either won't let me get what I want or is protecting me from myself, because doubtlessly when my head clears I'd regret any stupid decision I'd make. But hey - when you're mad, you just don't care, so tonight, not so much.

So there.

So because I can't figure out a way to be bad and/or a jerk, still be RIGHT, not get caught, not get in trouble, or even skirt around the edge of the hole to my own satisfaction, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed in anger, and be mad at everybody that I can extrapolate as having a hand in this in any way, including no way, especially if you aren't helping me do any of the aforementioned activities.

So blah. BLAH!

989, but I'm not happy about it, and I blame you.

And Yes - I know this is the equivalent of a tantrum. I get it. But it's about all I have the energy for.