Ketchup

Man, first off I'd like to say thank you to all the folks that check in every day and see I haven't written anything. I appreciate you guys being patient, man. I'll try to make it worth your while.

First off, we are now officially a one-car family. I sold the Bronco today to a buddy of mine from Pathways. Thanks, Matt - you're awesome!

And now, some pics from Halloween. First off, our daughter as a scary vampire.....


And then, our respective pumpkins. We had one pumpkin with three carved sides so you could see one approaching the house, another walking down the sidewalk and yet another when leaving. First, our daughter's - traditional, cheerful, and designed solely by her.

Secondly, Toni's masterpiece.

Oh - did I mention she carved it with a Dremel tool? Pretty cool....

And now - mine.

As nature generally comes up with more terrifying things than what I (or even Hollywood) could invent, I drew my inspiration from the Malaysian Screeching Eel.


So, today we went to Paris (Texas) for a few reasons. We took a few pics, and here they are.

First up, Buffalo Joe's Pub. If you are ever - and I mean EVER - in Paris, you MUST stop there and eat the Spicy Buffalo Burger.

Good.
Gracious.

I am not sure I have the words to stress how delicious this burger was. Buffalo. Bacon. Delicious, delicious, spicy waffle fries on the side, It was totally worth the three hour drive. Oh, my friends - you must understand the magnitude of this. It put a huge smile on my face, though I was a little sad when it was over.

Scout came along for the ride. I am uncertain of how much she enjoyed the entirety of the trip, but I know she enjoyed parts of it. But not this part.

She did, however, enjoy her trip the the Eiffel Tower, as did her Mom.

Even though the City of Paris did ruin a bit of my fun. It's like they knew I was coming.

Now, for the serious parts of tonight's entry. The first part is very, very short.

A) My Mom left a copy of Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" in the bathroom. I've made it a point to avoid Mr. Miller's writing because it seems like it's been the trendy thing to read, and I felt like if I read it I'd be following a trend that I had no interest in.

However, I found it sitting on the tank, and I started reading it because he seems to write a bit like I do, and like my friend Brent does. Oh - and it's incredible stuff, man. It's very challenging to what I grew up with, and it caused me to think (and re-think) about what I believe about my own spiritually, not to mention my political stances, how I interact with others, and - this is the most important part - my relationship with God. I can't recommend this book enough, guys - it's spectacular. I don't even care if churchy folks read it and talk about how great it is.

So - on to the second part. This week a friend of ours was soliciting letters for her hubby, who is celebrating his 40th birthday. It's kind of like presenting him with a stack of letters from folks who think he's a good guy (and he is), and that's a pretty good present, man.

However, I found that, even though I really like the guy, I couldn't make myself do it, and of course, I began to wonder why. Here's what I came up with:

I used to be really comfortable around people; family, friends, etc. I could go anywhere with anybody and it would feel like home. My folk's house. The Locke's. The Welch's. The Sikorski's. I could host parties, have folks come over to eat, organize events - you get the idea. I was social, I was outgoing.

But in about May of 2002, it began to change, man. I won't go into the details or rehash my divorce or anything like that, but ever since then I haven't wanted to be around other people. I never wanted to be around others because I either didn't want to face what was going on or I didn't want to talk about it. At any rate, I felt uncomfortable around everybody, especially those I was close to. And to tell you the truth, I feel like I never really got that comfort level back, man. I've felt awkward, and like an outsider everywhere I've been, no matter how much the people I was surrounded by loved and accepted me.

OK - now that I got that established, I realized that in a very meaningful way, I had totally lost my identity; I felt like the guy I was before my divorce had died.

So, since then I've been able to make some pretty good (and necessary) changes regarding my identity. Since my divorce:

A) I no longer derive my identity from my occupation
B) I no longer derive my identity from who I'm in a relationship with
C) I no longer derive my identity from what I'm struggling with

So, that leaves me with this issue, and that's this: with only a slightly more intellectual than emotional knowledge of who I am in Christ, I'm struggling to find my own identity; my own personality, etc.

While I know who *I* am in Christ, I feel like I don't know who *I* am. I've spent so much of my life deriving my identity from other sources that I'm not sure who I am without the input of others.

And....that's why I feel like I'm still uncomfortable around others, because I still (often) feel pretty uncomfortable with myself, or at least like I don't know how to act. I mean, generally speaking, don't you act according to your own personality, which is derived from you own internal core values and likes, dislikes, and peccadilloes?

Or, to put it another way, when you feel like you've had to completely wipe the slate clean of everything your core values told you about who you were, which direction(s) do you go when the slate is wiped clean and set to default with seemingly no direction whatsoever? I feel like I had a personality wash and now I don't have the one I used to, and even though I like the changes that have been made, I feel pretty devoid of the color (personality and comfort level around others) I used to have.

So that's where I am tonight, and I'm probably over thinking.

Thanks for reading, guys.

I don't know how to end without a number count.