I don't have a title. Maybe....moody?

I think I have mostly a collection of fairly random thoughts. I haven't felt cohesive at all today, like I'm moving way too fast in what's an otherwise very slow, impeding fog. I think it all started when I skipped breakfast, which, I'm learning, is a terrible, terrible mistake.

I was exhausted all day. I skipped breakfast because when I woke up this morning I was still very, very angry at my wife for twisting my ear at the Chinese restaurant last night. I took a piece of pineapple off her plate without asking and ate it - that was what prompted the ear-twisting response. Unfortunately, while it started off as a joke, I felt it turned very south when, after I had already swallowed it, she said "drop it", which is the same thing we say to the dog, and then she wouldn't let go when I asked, and then told her to let go. At this point I have to confess that I would have struck - and struck hard - anybody else that did that to me, but no matter how angry you get, no matter how much pain you're in, no matter how strong the fight-or-flight response is, no matter how strong the instinct to react with the training that you've been given, no matter how fast the adrenaline dump hits you, and no matter how quick your brain has mapped out the mechanics, assigned the technique, decided on the strike and acquired the target area on the person's body, you cannot - ever - strike your wife.

I have to confess that having that response but being unable to act it out is hard for me. To clarify, I don't mean it's hard not to hit my wife at all - I'm saying that when the intensity of reaction hits a certain point, to be forced to counteract that, especially when pain is introduced to the equation, feels like....like....something bad. I still feel really dark inside about it. I feel like I'm still mad, but that I should forgive and just move past it, right?

I suppose there's more to it, too. It was really emasculating, and it was something I've never done to anybody else, even in a fight. It hurt at a level I can't quite identify yet, something deeper than just the pain from the twisting or the soreness I still have the next night. I guess I had the feeling that I can't fight back or protect myself, and that bothered me, too.

And I'm not writing this to bash my wife or anything. I do feel like she really doesn't get the degree of damage she did, so it's hard for me to really accept her apology, despite the fact that A) she can't (because I can't adequately express it, I guess) and B) maybe it's all my problem anyway. More than anything, I'm just writing to process what *I'm* feeling, and not to say anything ill about my wife. Odds are I'm just experiencing the phenomenon that girls experience when the guy doesn't know exactly why he's apologizing but simply knows that he screwed up; he only gets the intellectual part and not the emotional part. Or maybe having the shit twisted out of your ear just isn't that big a deal.

See? Still mad. I can't shake it, so I'll change the subject.

Toni wants to visit a starting church on Sunday night. Her friends are going, and she wants to go too, and that she'll go even if I don't. She says that she thinks we're on different spiritual paths. I don't know what to do with that. The last times I was told that I was on a different spiritual path was when my first wife left and my ex and I couldn't agree on our views on God, and I felt like I was wrong, and that I was missing out, and that I had a stick up my ass and that I've had it wrong all along. We couldn't get equally yoked, I guess, and odds are I was just moving to slow for her. I'm sure there's a root of fear (or maybe laziness?) here. I don't know which and I'm too tired to sort it all out tonight.

I don't like change where God is concerned. I like my church. I don't want to change. I don't know if it's because I'm comfortable there or that I just don't want to risk stepping out into something unknown. I mean, how many churches am I supposed to join? Aren't you supposed to stay at one church and kind of pick that one? And I know God isn't interested in me being comfortable - He's interested in growing me and stretching me, etc. But damnit, man - why do I always have to be the one that's wrong about God? Why does everybody else get it but me? Is God just trying to teach me that I'm wrong? In general, I mean - I'm just wrong, no matter what it is? That's fairly demoralizing, the thought that no matter what you do, you're wrong, according to A) everybody - especially the women that you're with and, oh, yeah - B) God.

Did I mention that I feel like God is just trying to prove me wrong, and is using my ex-wife, my ex-girlfriend and my current wife as His mouthpieces to re-iterate how much of an idiot i really am, and to squash whatever teeny bit of self-respect or pride I might have managed to scrape up? Nope - can't have any pride at all. You are a worm, so even if you think you might want to get bit of fresh air (because HE said in HIS Word, and the preacher said that we're not supposed to spend our lives here miserable), he's going to stop his big ol' God Foot down on you and make you eat some dirt, 'cause I was getting just too damn uppity for a worm. So which is it?

Seriously - which is it? It's pretty fucking hard to soar with eagles when it seems like ever fucking decision you've EVER made has ended in failure, so hey - if you want me to even begin to think that I can fly, You're going to have to quit kicking me every time I try to stretch my wings. Pick a fucking side already. And quit sending people to tell me how GREAT God's plan is when so far, me doing my best had landed me (oh - and my family, too) at the corner of Shit Street and Broke Blvd, under the awning of the Stress Shop. In the rain.

So you know what, God? It's time for you to deliver, or I think I'm pretty much done with you. What else are you going to do? Kill my family? Tough shit - I'll survive. Kill me? You've had Your opportunity, and You didn't take it. Tonight, I feel like You're only keeping me around to screw with me, and that's pretty fucking cruel. I suppose you could send me hell, and that would be bad. I guess as long as you don't send me to hell, huh? THAT would show everybody what happens when people talk shit about You, wouldn't it? But why, then, do you seem to reward these assholes that seem to either not know You at all, or who openly mock You? How is that fair? And hey - might it strengthen your case if you doled out a bit of justice every so often?

I still have faith in You, but right now I'm running out of it. YOU are going to have to do something, because I'm all out of ideas, and I'm trying to do everything right, and you know what? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. And I know you're not a vending machine and that trying to manipulate you with my behavior is a fools errand, but after a while, I just lose hope that You're really up there or that You really care. or is the only proof that I'm ever going to get is that you're sparing me from death or hell - though i suppose that's enough. And odds are You're going to yell at me when/if I get to heaven anyway, so I have that to look forward to.You know what, though? I've had everybody I love down here tell me I'm doing it wrong, or that I'm not good enough, or that I'm an asshole or a jerk or a liar and not even worth respecting, so why should YOU be any different?

So there it is.

Have a cat.