Pony - I appreciate it. You're not overstepping anything, either, so don't worry about it. You have earned the right to say whatever you want - you've been hanging here long enough, and I know your heart when you write :-)
Just real quick:
"....was there something keeping you from waking Toni up and asking her for help?"
A) UTI
B) She had to be up at 5 AM for boot camp and I knew she needed her rest
So there's that.
Before I start, there's one thing I probably don't stress enough: what's normal and healthy for normal (non-addict) people is the complete opposite for addicts. This is generally true for all addictions of any type. So, my normal (or what I default to naturally) is the complete opposite of what's normal (and healthy) for non-addicts. This doesn't make me special or exclusive or anything, nor does it in any way excuse, negate or condone the unhealthy stuff I think, say, desire or do - it's just the default of how an addict operates because of who they are. One of the reasons that recovery is so difficult is that an addict must do the complete opposite of what seems natural to them.
Now, understanding that, because I'm an (recovering) addict, my natural default is (and always has been) unhealthy sex, which is sex that either feeds my addiction and/or sex that's a result of it. It'd be sex (of any kind) that I feel like I can't control, or that I do out of compulsion, or that goes against what I consider to be against my own moral code or religious belief, or that's outside of ground rules I set for myself. So, as Pony said.....
I also understand that marital sex might not give you the relief you seek because it's not what you crave...perhaps you crave the "naughty sex" and certain feelings that go along with that.
Bingo. Man- did you hit on something.
It's still (frequently) hard for me to adapt to married (or healthy) sex - that's definitely a problem for me. Quite obviously - and I can't state this strongly enough - it has nothing whatsoever to do with my wife, and I have no complaints whatsoever. It has everything to do with how I'm naturally wired, though, and the continuing process of trying to reverse and re-learn what's really normal and healthy for me. Let's face it - what's factually unhealthy and damaging to my marriage (not to mention my sobriety) is what I crave and what - at my core - I want. It's what I feel like I need, and I don't have the words to express how badly I want it and no matter how far I'd be willing to go to scratch that itch. That's my default. That's what I want naturally. That's the desire and that's the craving, and that's why the healthy, normal, married sex can't begin to feed that desire or quench that undying, unyielding thirst for that sex. To my way of thinking (not to mention what my heart tells me), I can't get the relief that I feel like I need within the confines of healthy, "normal" marital sex.
And don't mistake or underestimate that last word, either - it's a deep need - at least that's what the addict inside me (or maybe my core belief about my own identity) believes it is, and only the sex that will bring me that relief that I need so badly is with a certain person, or with a certain act or under certain circumstances, and there's no getting around that.
So what do I do? I do what I did last night. Skirt the edges. White knuckle it. Dry Drunk. Sit. Wish. Think. Even hope a little.
Now - I need to say (just as strongly) that nothing I said here today should detract from any relationship I've ever had, not should it count against anybody or lessen or demean any aspect of the relationship, including the sex. It doesn't mean that I cared or loved any less for anybody, or that relationships was less special or meaningful or impactful. It's only fair that I mention that, because it's every bit as valid as anything else I've said tonight.
One more point as well - sex addiction warps what's healthy. I think it robs the marriage relationship of the deep, all consuming arousal that the sex I want (either in my addiction or at my core) holds. I don't know how to circumvent that. I don't know if it's a time issue, or a recovery issue, or a self-image issue, or something I'm going to have to deal with in counseling or what. Until then, it's going to bug me, and it's just something I think I'm going to have to continue to struggle through.
Still 837 (despite my best efforts)
2 comments:
It appears from your writing that you are, with effort, able to keep your self from acting out on improper desires. The problem now is how to control your thought life. The Bible says to take ever thought captive. Easy to say but a real chalenge to do. You might try a variation of "don't think about a pink bunny crossing the green grass". I use two different ones to help with my thought life. First one is to sing to myself Jesus loves me, and then concentrate on what that song says about me and my relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father. Second, when my mind wanders at seeing an attractive woman, I pray for her and the men and children in her life( present or future ), and thank God for the beauty He gave us in His creation. One good thing about being male is typicaly we are able to only handle one thought at a time. So now are capable of changing a wrong thought pattern for a good thought patern. Try your own variation of the above for a while and see if it helps you. I am still not always sucessfull, but it is easier now at 60 than it was at 30!
I HAVE to comment...the word verification is "noblog".
I kid you not!!! hahahahaha
Thanks for being understanding and accepting of my comment. Thanks for giving us insight into your struggle. I struggle with wanting to overeat. I am a food addict. Every day I struggle with this. I understand addiction through that experience.
I will be praying for you along those lines...knowing what my struggle is like.
NOBLOG...isn't that wild??? = ))
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