So we went to counseling today and I have to admit I feel pretty beaten down. Odds are there are going to be some changes that I'm not going to like, and I feel like I got my ass handed to me.
Then when we got home, in a surreal Dr. Seuss moment, we saw that that cat had shat on the mat. Really. Fortunately, Toni cleaned it up, and that's pretty much a mirror to my life these days.
Intellectually, I get it - I really do. I rarely have a problem with knowing what I need to do intellectually - it's being able to follow through with whatever it is emotionally that I always seem to have a problem with, because it's our (or at least my) emotions that tend to regulate how I feel about something, particularly if it's something that means a lot to me, even when it shouldn't.
I know I should turn to God, as He's the only one that can take away what I'm struggling with. I damn sure can't do it alone - I've been trying for years - and I mean years - to shake this and I can't seem to break it, man. I get close. I get within eyesight. But always - always - something trips me up and I end up feeding it, right as it's gasping it's last dying breath. I guess that's when it's the noisiest and the hardest to ignore, or at least that's what our counselor explained to me. I'm going to trust him on this one, as I damn sure don't have any answers anymore.
I can't even begin to articulate how this makes Toni feel, either. I'm fairly certain she's been at her wits end with me several times, and the less I can provoke her the better off we are, and that's not an unreasonable request.
I feel like I have yet to really man up and draw a line in the sand on this, too. I feel like I haven't really posted a sentry or really attacked this particular weakness with the same passion I attacked the most evident behaviors of my addiction. The truth is, I don't want to attack this weakness, as I'm rather attached to it, and I want to keep it around despite the damage I allow it to do. And it's not even somebody else's problem, either - it's 100% mine. To me it's the equivalent of bringing something good and sweet and kind and harmless and using it to bludgeon Toni with, like beating her over the head with a bunny. LOOK AT THIS BUNNY! WHAP! WHAP! Is it the bunny's fault? No - it's mine, because I can't let the damn bunny go, and I feel like I'm just waving it around for everybody to see by its tired little ears, and making myself look more and more foolish every passing minute. So where does this lead us? I look stupid, my arms are tired, Toni's sick of being pummeled with a rabbit and the bunny is more tired of the whole mess than anybody.
Tonight I feel like I'm looking over the wall at the Alamo and all I see are Mexicans, and all I have is a musket, 2 balls, some wet powder, and the knowledge that it's going to come down to a knife fight before it's all over.
I'm pulling off my site meter because I don't want to know whose reading anymore. If I know (or even if I suspect) somebody's writing I want to surreptitiously communicate with I'll tailor what I'm writing to whomever I want to read it. I've done that just about every day since I found out who was reading.So hey - if you ever wondered if I was talking to you - I was. I'm sorry, guys.
So tonight I have no real answers. All I know is that I'm going to trust Toni to handle the bunny however she feels like it, and I know she'll do a better job than me. She's cool with the bunny.
What *I* need to do is to hand over the bunny to her and then pray and ask God to help me not care about the bunny anymore, or at lease not quite so much, and to take away the hurt that causes me to still try to look down rabbit trails instead of trying to stay on the right path.
I'm sorry this is such a pitiful attempt at concealment, too. None of you guys are stupid, and I'm really sorry to everybody involved.
So God, - I know you can read. I still care too much, and I can't control it or shake it on my own. I know this is connected in some way to some kind of deep wound, and only You can fix it. So fix it. Please. I've had enough, and I don't want to care like this anymore if it's going to hurt me and everybody else, and it is. And seriously - I've asked you this before, and I don't know what your problem is, but you haven't done it yet, and I wish you would, because I can't. Do you get this? I can't. So you do it. Thanks.
Anyway, to close, this is the song that General Santa Anna's band played for the defenders of the Alamo. It's called "Deguello", meaning "no quarter" or, more literally, "slit throat". This is a great recording, though I'm sure it sounded more depressing at about 6:00 AM on March 6, 1836. Have a listen, and imagine yourself in their shoes.
840 for Thursday, but only on technicalities.
6 comments:
a) I love that picture.
2) Sorry to hear about the bunny.
It's good to recognize the problem.
It's good to talk about it with your savior.
It's good to talk to your wife about it.
It's good to talk to a professional in this area.
Sounds to me like you've got an excellent start on remedying this. Which is great.
A thought. You're awfully fortunate and blessed for those first three things above. Don't let a stupid bunny rob you of any of them. It ain't worth it.
All this makes a person wonder if you want to get over it at all. If you don't, the only fair thing to do is to stop beating your wife with the bunny.
Wow, Anonymous...with an addiction there is a part of you that doesn't really want to get over it (for whatever reason your addiction feeds) but if we always did what we wanted or what comes naturally to us we would be more messed up than we already are....and/or not following God. Ian is trying and that is more than many other addicts are doing. It is easy for us to sit back and say, just stop. But it isn't that easy and for you to say that is very insensitive. He is taking steps to stop beating his wife with the bunny. But give him credit for seeing the bunny...and it seems like he saw it fairly quickly. Some will go years and not see what they are doing to their spouse.
"Sexual Addiction" is not really an addicition to sex, it is an addiciton to the chemicals that flood your brain at the "exciting conclusion". I don't believe anyone can have an "addicition" that is purely physical with no internal chemistry involved. Note that OCD is different from "addiction".
So it is no different than any other chemical addiciton or dependency. Your brain CRAVES the effect of those naturally produced chemicals just as much as a junkie craving his next fix of heroine.
Cruelty to bunnies, however, will not be tolerated. One shot, one kill.
No using them to repeatedly bash women about the head.
No, Anon 2, I am not being insensitive to the addicts plight. However, if this is what he's willing to write, how much more has he not written. All we see here is Ian's view, no one represents his wife. I guess, I think someone needs to look past what Ian is saying and into how all this must be making his wife feel. How horrid it must be to have to wonder every time your husband leaves the house, sits at the computer or turns on the tv, if he's going to wind up doing something that breaks his sobriety.
And speaking of sobriety, does it still count on a technicality?
Go ahead and, view me as judgey, unknowledgable and doubtful, if you must. But, this blog is about laying it on the line, is it not?
We've been through a rough patch (understatement) of late. Our counselor said something that really made sense. I'll share it with ya for free! ;-) It may or may not apply, for what it is worth...
When The Enemy tempts you, serve your spouse. After a while, he'll get tired of throwing bad at you and seeing you turn it into good. He'll stop throwing that particular bad at you.
Temptation = Opportunity to Serve your husband or wife.
That servant leadership is what our Savior laid down an example of the Husbands attitude toward the wife. Makes sense, no?
Yeah, so... I did not explain it as well as Dell, but there it is.
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