I really struggled with this all week. It seemed to me that God seems to like a lot of people much more than He likes me. I have to confess - it's fairly demoralizing.
I'll use a few examples, if I may.
I know a couple that's very well off financially, they are founding members of a church, she has her own web-based video-conference style ministry. They give all the credit to God and seem fairly happy most of the time. I think her theology is a bit squirrely at times and occasionally feels a bit self-aggrandizing to me, but hey - from all outward appearances they have it together. Should I give these people's input more weight, more consideration because they seem outwardly blessed financially and they've founded their very own ministry? I mean, doesn't it seem like God seems to like them well enough to give them what they've asked for? (Whereas I feel like I can't even get God's attention at all.)
Secondly, I know another guy that holds a very high position within his church and has given some very detrimental counsel in the past. Since that time, he's been promoted to an even higher position - does this mean the bad counsel (he said some pretty terrible things would happen if I got divorced) will come true? I mean, GOD seems to have put the guy in a position of spiritual authority - does that means the guy has God's favor, and if so, does that make him right?
I have to confess getting rather worked up about this earlier in the week, going so far as to write some really brutal (and probably blasphemous and heretical as well) things. I felt (and still feel) like I was having a pretty big crisis of faith, as it were. I had REALLY started to doubt if God was real, if He existed at all, since apparently He wasn't answering any of my prayers, and in fact seemed to be doing the opposite of what I asked. I felt like I was getting stones and scorpions.
I think by Tuesday night I was so mad I was planning on skipping all things church this weekend. I mean, it's Easter weekend, of all weekends. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have my daughter this weekend, and I didn't want to drag her into my spiritual funk, so I was prepared to smile, nod and fake it. Now in the past few days I feel like I've gone from hostile and angry to grudging acknowledgement to apathetic ambivalence to being willing to listen, but feeling a bit hollow and now, a bit skeptical. I've never really questioned it until now (my faith in God, that is.)
We're supposed to look at the fruit of other's lives, right? Isn't that a good indicator of how much favor they have with God? (At least, that seems to be what the couple I mentioned earlier seems to be saying.)
And if God does play favorites, how can I get on His good side? Apparently I've been doing it wrong. Evidently, if I follow what these people I mentioned are doing, He'll give me financial independence (if not wild abundance) and a high position in some kind of ministry, though I could really care less about that. Truthfully, I was happy counting the collection at the 12-step meetings and directing traffic on Sundays. I don't want my name on the marquee, ya know?
So.....am I wrong? I was always taught that God loves me no matter what, but I feel like even if He loves me, He doesn't like me very much at the moment, and I feel like He's picking teams for His kickball game and I'm the last in line with the fat kid, the nerd and the booger eater.
It puts me in mind to just quit trying to do anything right, man. It seems like trying to do everything right hasn't done much of anything except increase my hardship, so why not just do the opposite and not try to do anything right? Apparently it doesn't matter either way - at least not so far.
See, I was always taught that you can't manipulate God, and that you can't get on His "good" side. But it sure looks like all these other happy, smiling people have found out a secret they either won't tell or I can't understand, or that God likes them a LOT more than He likes me. So - this raises the question: did they do something to get God's attention in a good way? Is God blessing them? What can *I* do to get those blessings, or is that trying to manipulate God? And is it manipulation to try to do the things God tells us to do so that we can get the rewards He promises us? Does our motive count for or against us in that regard - or - does it matter at all?
Am I way off here?
I'll admit - I feel like this is a pretty serious thing for me, man. I feel like I'm starting to doubt the WHOLE THING, and I don't WANT to do that. It makes no sense for me to do that - none whatsoever. And I know the Bible Answer - it's all in God's timing, for His glory, blah blah blah; I get that.
But man - I'm struggling with believing it anymore.
Does anything I've said make sense?
3 comments:
"I'm the last in line with the fat kid, the nerd and the booger eater."
That was very funny.
Anyway, your question:
I sure do love you, Ian. Stop and read that again, please. I sure wish I could sit and drink a beer with you and talk for 3 hours.
OK. Yes it's serious. But one, a lot of people have felt how you feel, for whatever that's worth. Me included. Psalm 37 and 73 are about the wicked prospering financially and the woe and doubt it caused someone like David.
Two, doubting is part of walking by faith. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. I have asked "Is this all real, God?" I don't even know how many times.
"Should I give these people's input more weight, more consideration because they seem outwardly blessed financially and they've founded their very own ministry"
No. Give people weight because they are Christlike. Wealth is irrelevant.
"We're supposed to look at the fruit of other's lives, right? Isn't that a good indicator of how much favor they have with God?"
What kind of fruit are you looking for? Wealth? Influence? Position? At what point did those become "blessings"? At what point did those things become fruit? Ian, the indicator of how much favor you have with God was remembered yesterday when Jesus was beaten, tortured, and murdered to take the punishment that was rightfully yours (and mine and everyone's.
"is it manipulation to try to do the things God tells us to do so that we can get the rewards He promises us"
No. But be careful what you say God has promised you. What, in these instances, are you thinking He promised you?
If I might ask a few questions like we we're having a conversation and not reading comments on a blog:
1. This is a big one: What do you think the purpose of you life is? Not what you heard growing up - I'm tired of that - but what do you think now?
2. What do you think it means for God to bless you?
3. How well do you feel you know God?
I think, after typing all this, I'm just going to call you on the phone and listen to you.
I love you Ian.
I think that whether or not you enjoy yourself in this life is really irrelevant to whether you have favor with God. As a believer you are guaranteed to spend eternity surrounded by joy. Living a difficult life in this world is like being invited to a glorious feast but not being allowed to have a mint beforehand.
Solomon was the richest man EVAR, and had everything he could possibly want.
John the Baptist was homeless and spent his life eating bugs until he was imprisoned and beheaded.
Which one did God love more? Do you understand why the question is nonsensical?
Nothing you will ever have in this life compares to the rewards waiting for you if you spend you life serving the Lord. Of course, if you don't have faith in what God has promised then that statement is meaningless. I don't think God is concerned with providing anyone with a comfortable American life. He is certainly not opposed to it, but we have a job to do while we are in this world, and the rewards come later, not now.
Nod, what they said ^^^.
The bible is full of those examples which, as Zach intimated, lead one to conclude that it's obvious that God doesn't play favorites.
Lord, one only has to look at Job. He was an excellent godly man who God purposefully allowed the enemy to completely and totally devastate himself and his family financially and health-wise and in social standing.
And your way would also mean that God loves Steve Jobs more than any of us in here. A buddhist weirdo vegetarian who happens to have brilliant marketing/business sense.
It also doesn't apply to the other side of the spectrum. People like, say, Mother Theresa. Who by all accounts was extremely pious and literally lived her life serving other people especially those who had access to nothing. And I guarantee you she didn't have a loaded stock portfolio and a mansion. In fact, I imagine you could fit her worldly possessions in a closet.
Frankly, the whole premise is specious at best. We know the traits and heart that God loves and it isn't (at least the outward appearance of) donald trump or steve jobs. It's humble and contrite hearts that have admitted their failure to do what a perfect God requires of us and that have wholly put their hope in Whom God sent to save us.
I hope you don't think I'm judging - you're my brother in Christ no matter what and I hope you find this encouraging. I know in the middle of long-standing financial problems as you have been in that this might be a tempting line of thinking. I get that. But know that this line of thinking is off of plumb and God still loves you as much today as He ever has or ever will. He loves you as if He made you by hand himself. Because He did. *(:
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