Today's compendium of stuff I'm think runs the gambit, I guess. in no particular order....

The Casey Anthony Trial

Justice was denied in our court systems, I think. Fortunately, justice can take many forms, and God keeps score. While I like that God has purged my sins from His book and has shown me mercy and grace, my humanity hopes that He takes a special interest in Ms. Anthony, and that the last little gasps her daughter fought for are in every breath she takes until her dying day, and that the innocent blood she shed is paid back tenfold. To her dying day, Casey Anthony will be scorned, despised, ostracized and reviled by every face the sees, and in every eye that casts its fleeting gaze upon her.

Graveyards

I don't ever recall visiting a graveyard to see where the remains of a loved one dwell. I've attended several graveside memorials and been present when the remains are interred, but I don't think  I've ever gone back to visit. My Dad doesn't do viewings, and I don't blame him a bit. As of late, I don't think we view death properly as a culture. The closest thing I've seen was my Aunt Martha's memorial, and if I remember correctly, it was basically a lot of relatives gathering and telling all the great things about her before we played "When the Saints go Marching In" and danced out of the chapel. No viewing. No prolonged funeral. Nothing left unsaid before she passed, I don't think - at least not by me. this led me to think that if we did a better job of communicating then we would live life with fewer regrets; we might be better off not having things left unsaid, and we might have to visit  cemeteries less often to clean our consciences and ease our hearts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd rather live my life in such a way that there wouldn't ever be anything I wish I'd said before a loved one slipped away. And I don't like funerals anyway -I think they're morbid, and the dead folks could care less. I think it's easy for us to forget that what we see at funerals are just the earthly remains of the cage that held a soul and a spirit, and that if given the choice, they wouldn't want to come back. I think funerals are for the living, and borne more out of culture and a sense of guilt and obligation than they ought to be. Anyway, food for thought, I guess. 

Car Stuff

If you aren't buying a car within a week, please stay off the car lot. If you visit a car lot and don't ultimately buy a car, you are wasting the salesman's time, no matter what he tells you. We are not a place for you to play with the expensive toys - we're trying to work here.

 Therapy

Counseling is going pretty well. We're going both as individuals and as a couple, which is good. We're uncovering some fairly unhealthy habits we've fallen into and are realizing that it's not necessarily our fault we've ended up where we are. We're both working hard to build a more solid foundation so that our marriage is more stable, and that's good for everybody.

What I'm not saying in therapy

I feel like my otherwise solid grip on my sobriety is slipping a bit and I don't know why. I haven't acted out, but the thought has crossed my mind a few times in the past few weeks. It's nothing I can pin down or isolate, really. I guess it's like an alcoholic wanting just one beer every once in a while, but not really knowing why. I'm sure it has something to do with my long string of broken relationships and resulting soul ties. I don't want any of those relationships back, and I don't want to re-claim those soul ties, I guess there's something in me someplace that grew used to seeing the equivalent of kite strings flying, and now and again I miss seeing the where the strings in the air used to be even when the kites are long gone. I know it sounds stupid and that it makes zero sense, but it leaves me with an odd sense of sadness I can't explain but that robs my wife of something, some joy I should be sharing with her. So I play sad music and try to get to the bottom of it, but all I end up with is a vague sense of heartache that's not even tied to one particular person anymore. Maybe something in me misses that giddy "falling-in-love" feeling I've had before, but simultaneously knowing it's unstable and unreliable, unsafe and unpredictable, and doesn't tend to last - but something in me still drawn to that sometimes, no matter how unhealthy it may be, no matter what the consequences are. I guess that's the conflict, huh? Knowing I'll never desert my commitment and my covenant, knowing how much I love my wife, but having the knowledge that there's always a part of me that wants (or thinks it wants) the lie that is what it is, whatever it is. Maybe that's it, or maybe I'm just tired, or maybe Nora Jones just makes me feel melancholy.

I remember when my friend Brian and his wife C got married they danced to a Nora Jones song "Come Away with Me" at their wedding. That song means something to me but I can't nail it down - I just know it affects me in a way that aches and feels warm and golden at the same time; I think it's tied to a sense of loss somehow, as many of the best songs are. I'm sure it's reflective of a particular time in my life I still haven't fully recovered from, or maybe the song is just that good

What I ate today

Marshmallows, peanut butter, Hershey's chocolate, McDonalds and then nine hours later I had three pieces of pizza. The worst part is that when I got McDonalds today, I got onto Toni for eating my fries, then when I arrived at work and opened the to-go bag, I saw they had given more fries than I  could eat, and so I got onto her for nothing. I felt like a jerk.

New Gun

I got the first piece of my new gun a week or so ago. It felt good to start in on getting it back again, and to build one from the ground up, custom-fit to me & Toni. It's a LOT like building a paintball gun, only slightly more expensive, and these shoot a lot further.

Anyway, that's it, I think. I just wanted to wait until I had something to say. Thank you guys for reading.